Remembrance
by Jessicka Dirty
Summary: Severus has always been the kind of person to not care how many hearts he breaks, but maybe if he managed not to break this heart, his life would have been so different.All material in Italics are Severus' thoughts


_You've grown older_

_And felt my pain_

_You've grown colder_

_But always remain_

* * *

Severus slammed the front door of his house in Spinner's End, happier than hell to be home. A month of living at Hogwarts had taken his toll on him, his body ached and his mind was cloudy. He felt as dusty as the shelves in his front room, which hadn't been touched in years, covered with his mother's old trinkets.

He pounded up the creaky stairs, desperately needing the little comfort his small, cold bed offered. When he reached the top he let out a deep sigh. Comfort was coming, he told himself; comfort from a decent night's sleep without the weight of his idiotic students' essays and the constant requests of the Order.

He rushed into his cold bedroom and stared upon his own wonderful, dusty clutter. Oh, clutter never looked so good. He began to strip off his heavy wool robes, feeling the cool winter air against his chest. Yes, this is what he wanted. He kicked off his shoes and socks and started undoing his pants.

"Yes," he said to himself. He loved this sweet, lonely comfort.

When he was stripped down to nothing, he laid himself on his dirty sheets and let go of a small smile. He loved the feeling of the cold breeze against his thin, pale body and while he was enjoying the small sensation, his eyes grew heavier. 'Yes,' he thought. The sleep he had been waiting for what felt like decades had finally found him. Or did it?

As the minutes passed by, Severus found that he could not close his mind. He kept thinking of things that didn't matter, things he felt he needed to do and things he wanted to do. In fact, what was bothering him most was that out of all the stupid things he could be thinking of at the time, his mind was filled with thoughts of sex.

Well, fine then, if that was where his mind decided to wander then he had to give in and go along. He moved his long fingers down slowly through the short tangle of his black pubic hair to the base of his shaft and let his fingertips lightly touch the soft skin. But who was it going to be today?

Severus made a habit of remembering his sexual experiences down to the tiniest detail in order to use them at times like this. In his mind, it was better than any other fantasy he could think of and much better than porn, which he found ridiculous. Contrary to popular belief, he had a lot of experiences to choose from.

He started to go through them, contemplating on if he wanted a guy or girl, student or adult, friend or stranger. So many to choose from, but Severus was in a rush, he wanted to whack off and be done with it so he decided on the most recent, which happened to be Draco Malfoy.

As his fingers traced up and down his half-hard shaft his mind began to remember, to an almost movie-like quality, exactly what happened on an afternoon about two weeks ago, when Draco had asked him for some help after class with a simple remedial potion.

Severus let out a soft moan as he remembered the platinum-blond boy standing in front of his desk, a sinful gleam in his already shiny eyes.

"_Professor, don't play stupid with m. You know I don't really need help being the best in your class," the young Malfoy said with a proud defiant tone._

"_Actually, Draco, you are second best in my class. Miss Granger still shows higher marks than you." Draco flashed Severus an evil look and took it back almost immediately._

"_That mudblood is nothing compared to me," Draco replied, a new harshness in his voice. Severus could see him trying to remain calm. He knew the game they played with each other. Severus would try to piss Draco off and if Draco was good and remained calm he would claim his prize, otherwise Draco would storm off and get lower marks on his potions for the next few days. They had been doing this for quite a while._

"_Now, now, Draco. I would hate to have to give you lower marks for using such foul words about a fellow classmate." Severus lowered his head to the paper he was grading on his desk. _

"_You wouldn't lower my grade because of that," replied Draco. "You love me too much. You love it when we fuck. You can't hide the way you feel about me."_

"_You shouldn't think too highly of yourself Draco," Severus said, his eyes still glued to the paper he was grading. "I've had better ass than you can give on your best days."_

_Draco let out some sort of a small growl before lifting the left side of Severus' desk and flipping it over, sending the ink container Severus was working with to crash and spill all over the students' essays. Severus stood up rapidly from his chair, sending it back against the wall with a slam. He gave Draco the worst glare he could manage and muttered a cleaning spell to get the ink off of his students' papers. Draco just stared back before speaking again._

"_Fuck me Snape, I'll show you what a great fuck is. I promise you, I'll make it great!" He started to take off his uniform as fast as he could, peeling off layer after till he was wearing nothing at all, his clothes scattered around his feet. Severus continued to glare. _

"_Well, what's taking you so long you big faggot? Get your dick out and fuck me!" Draco's impatience and nervousness was amusing Severus. He moved closer to his fifteen-year-old student. Severus couldn't help but to let out a smirk as he thought how Narcissa would react if she knew that he was fucking both her son and her husband. Although now that he thought about it more, he was sure she wouldn't mind, she gave herself to him too. _

_Snape inched closer to the pedophile's dream come true that was in front of him._

Severus stopped his stroking for a second and thought if he was really a perverted pedophile? Although, all the students he had ever done had wanted him, so he guessed it wasn't his problem. He didn't really care much more about his conquest's feeling and went back to the memory, his stroking vigorous again.

Severus was now inches from Draco's skinny, pale, sweaty body. He was now as hard as Draco, whose eyes never looked away from Severus as he backed against the closest wall. Severus followed, undoing his pants as he walked.

"_You know Draco, I don't love you. You disgust me too much," Severus said as he grabbed Draco's shoulders and turned him so he faced the wall. _

"_You are a bad liar professor," Draco whispered, his face pressed against the cold dungeon wall. Severus let an evil smirk cross his face before taking his cock out of his pants and let it softly touch the warm crevice of Draco's ass. _

"_I don't love you," Severus whispered faintly in Draco's ear before pulling out his wand and muttering a lubrication spell. He tossed his wand to the floor next to Draco's clothes and slowly reached his right hand in between Draco's ass. Severus then let a finger push itself into Draco before adding another and another. _

_By the time Severus was pushing three fingers in, Draco was squirming. He didn't like to be teased. Draco wrapped a hand around Severus' cock and the other around his own. _

"_Patience Draco," Severus said before planting a series of small kisses on the back of Draco's small neck. Draco's breath became quicker. 'All right, enough', Severus thought, removing his fingers from inside Draco. Severus allowed Draco's hand to guide him into his ass. Draco then let out a sort of high-pitched grunt and braced both of his hands against the cold wall. Severus slowly moved his cock in and out of Draco's tight ass, a small smile on his face, hidden by his curtains of black greasy hair._

_Severus now grabbed Draco's own hard cock pressed it hard to Draco's thigh, rubbing it up and down as he continued to push himself in and out of Draco. This brought more sounds from Draco's mouth, everything from moans to squeaks. Severus himself didn't usually make noise and this time was no different. _

"_Yes professor!" Draco screamed a little too loudly. He was going to come any second. Severus could feel Draco's pulse through his cock as it tightened. Severus felt his own orgasm coming on faster. Oh man, it was good too. He was thrusting faster as Draco came, his hot liquid covering his thigh. _

_Severus bit his lower lip as his head got lighter and he gave the final thrusts before coming deep in Draco's ass._

Severus let a small moan before coming in his own hands.

"_Was I good Professor Snape?" Draco asked after his breathing returned to normal._

"_Acceptable, consider your grade raised. Now get out of my office." _

_Draco picked Severus' wand off the ground and used a cleaning charm. He turned around and handed the wand to Severus._

"_Is it because of my father?" Draco said pulling on his clothes as fast as he could. Severus looked at him, surprised at the question. _

"_What do you mean?" He asked dumbly. _

"_Is my father the reason that you don't love me? Are you afraid of him Snivellus?" Draco smirked as he called him by the odious nickname the Marauders gave him in his school days. Severus' eyes widened and he let out a snarl. _

"_Get out of my office!" yelled Severus, pointing his long bony finger at the door. "Get the fuck out!" _

_Draco obeyed._

Severus curled up under his ragged quilt, feeling the little pieces of dirt scratch and irritate his shoulders and legs. He found himself less tired than he was before. He was thinking about why he got so mad at Malfoy. He knew that he wasn't afraid about Lucius finding out about him and his son and he knew that he felt no love for either of them.

Was it really the stupid nickname that got to him? It was true he hated the nickname, but it was so childish, it was hard to take it seriously anymore. Seriously, he thought, Sirius.

He rolled onto his other side, and began to empty his mind completely. With much effort, he managed and quickly began to drift off into his much needed sleep.

* * *

Severus was feeling as dusty and miserable as ever when he came back to Hogwarts. That week consisted of three students, three detentions, and three different sexual advances. After those three sick love declarations, he was absolutely done with ridiculous teenage hearts. What ever happened to the concept of "just sex"?

First, there was the usual Draco Malfoy, who offered him another quick fuck on his desk to which he promptly declined.

Then there was the more interesting Pansy Parkinson whom he didn't even give a detention to but who showed up anyway in his office. After an hour of dusting jars of pickled small mammals, she offered a tempting fuck, which Severus didn't take. Although she was cute and quiet, he didn't feel right about fucking absolutely everyone related to the Malfoy family.

The last attempt this week came from the last person Severus would ever think of making sexual advances on him next to Harry Potter. This was the infamous weirdo Luna Lovegood. Well, how could he say no? After a rough session on the cold dungeon floor he knew exactly why her name was Lovegood.

But these events were not what had Severus feeling worn. It was his own horribly wretched mind. There was something that he couldn't get out of his head. It was a memory that was making him go crazy. It was this memory that was slowly forcing him to realize just how lonely he was.

He walked up the stairs leading from the dungeons to the entrance hall. He figured he would eat something before he was forced back to his office to grade his students' horribly written essays. But something stopped him.

The window in front of him opened out onto the huge black lake, bathed in the small white light of the moon. The lake… Just looking at it made his memory stronger. He looked to the left of the lake and saw what he was looking for. The large birch tree, swaying softly in the night wind. It looked exactly as it had on that night; the night when Severus was only fourteen.

He turned away from the window and towards the main entrance. He pulled open the big doors and walked hastily out towards the gently swaying birch tree.

_It was night when Severus Snape snuck out of the Slytherin common room with an embarrassing hardness already growing in his pants. He hoped that none of the Ravenclaws were looking out of their windows tonight. Even if they were, what were the odds they would recognize the antisocial, greasy, black haired teen in this inky darkness._

He remembered why he used to sneak out to the lake every new moon, if it wasn't too cold. He went to whack off. It was too noticeable in the dormitory and too open in the showers. What other choice did he have? Plus, Severus had always liked to do it in the water, where it felt more like a stranger.

"Thank god, I don't have to do that anymore," Severus said to himself still walking to the familiar birch tree.

_Just like every other new moon he came out here, he was careful to take off his clothes right before getting into the water. His pale body was bound to be noticed by Dumbledore one of these days if he wasn't careful._

_After his clothes were off he climbed into the water, laying down on the soft muddy ground just under the surface so only his head stuck out. He touched himself slowly first, looking toward the faint glimmer of the new moon. Beautiful, he thought, speeding his hand up as it cupped his hard cock and stroked with drive._

_The mud he was laying in began to mould around his body and caress his skin, another reason why Severus loved masturbating in the lake. The familiar sensations filled him with pleasure and it was less than no time before Severus could feel his blood rush to his head as he began to come into the murky water. Easy cleanup, he thought, still not bothering to stand up. He let out a pleasant grin having just relieved a months worth of sexual tension._

_After a few minutes of enjoying the taste of euphoria that the orgasm brought him, he snaked himself out of the mud and with his body kept low, swam out into the lake. He only went out a little farther before silently swimming back to the shore and crawling toward his clothes._

_He grabbed the small hand towel he brought with him and began to dry off his body as fast he could. He glanced toward the doors and saw no sign of anyone being there. He continued to rub the small, now damp towel over skin and peered over to the birch tree. He stopped dead._

Severus took a seat under the cover of the birch and stared out into the black lake. His memory was stronger here now than ever.

_There sitting in the perfect crevice of two large roots sat the obvious body of a teenage boy. Severus snatched his wand out of the breast pocket of his robe lying at his feet and pointed it at the shadow-covered stranger._

_"Who are you?" Severus spat in the harshest loudest whisper he could manage. His wand began to tremble in his hand as he realized just how vulnerable he was in his naked state. He tried his best to hold his wand steady._

_"Who are you?" He said again, louder, as the figure began to move into the moonlight._

_"I'm Sirius, Sirius Black," the boy said; his face now visible and no wand in sight. "Please, don't jinx me. I-I didn't mean to spy." His voice was hoarse and slightly shaky and his face, oh his face was stunning. His brilliant eyes shone in the moonlight and his dark hair fell gracefully around his perfect square jaw. Severus had to keep a tighter grip on his wand to keep it from shaking out of his hand._

_Severus knew the boy as a fourth-year Gryffindor that shared a few classes with him, but that was all. He didn't know what to expect._

_"What other choice do I have but to jinx you? How do I know you won't tell the whole school?" Severus asked as he narrowed his eyes to see the boy's facial expressions, but he could not see any important sign in the dark._

_"What can I do to convince you I won't?" Sirius said, with a cocky attitude. He began to laugh, which sounded like a soft bark, but it wasn't a mocking, ridiculing sort of laugh, which Severus heard all the time. No, it was nice, almost comforting, like this whole situation happened all the time. When he stopped laughing, he left a friendly smile on his face. Severus kept his wand up._

_"I don't know," Severus replied. With his free hand, Severus began to pull his robe over his legs and covered himself to the waist. His eyes were still pinned on Sirius' smile._

_"Oh, you can get dressed," Sirius said. "I won't run off screaming or anything." He laughed again._

_Severus pulled on his pants and his robe as fast as he could manage with his eyes still looking at Sirius. When he was fully clothed, he stood and put his wand back in his pocket. Sirius stood too._

_"So," Sirius said looking down at his feet, "are you going to hold me captive, umm, I'm sorry I didn't get your name." Sirius moved slowly toward Severus, looking up at him again with those shiny eyes._

_"Why should I tell you my name? Then you will know exactly who I am and you will tell the whole school what I was doing!" Severus was sweating. He didn't know what to think._

_"No, I wouldn't. How could I convince you that I wouldn't?" Sirius was at arm-length from Severus now. Severus stared into his eyes and saw something that confused him. Was that lust he saw in those shiny black eyes?_

_"Oh, your robe is inside out," Sirius said as he reached out toward Severus' robes but Severus smacked his hands away._

_"Don't touch me!" Severus yelled at him._

_"Shh, keep your voice down," Sirius said softly. They both stood in silence for what felt like hours. Severus traced his lower lip with his thumb and Sirius shuffled his feet. After awhile Sirius broke the silence._

_"So, does this mean I'm your captive?" asked Sirius, very playfully. He gave Severus another smirk._

_"No." Severus turned and began to walk hastily back up the hill leading toward the main entrance, but he could hear Sirius' footsteps behind him._

_"Wait," Sirius said, laying a hand on Severus' shoulder to stop him. "Don't go yet." This sentence filled him with an unexplainable fury. What could he possibly want? Did he still want his name? Was he really going to tell everyone?_

_Severus turned around to slap Sirius' hand off his shoulder but instead he found himself face to face with him. The next thing he knew, Sirius had his arms around his neck and a pair of soft lips was touching his. Severus' eyes widened. The kiss was shy and awkward but it was still a kiss. He was kissing this stranger, this boy. Severus kept his arms straight at his sides. He wanted to break away, but felt trapped in his own body. He couldn't break away from this kiss. If he did, he felt he would regret it and he would be lonelier than ever. He only half-believed this of course but still, there was something else that was making him stay._

_The kiss ended. Sirius shyly backed off, looking shameful._

_"Don't," Severus said in a hardly audible whisper. "Don't stop." This was strange, this sensation. It was so strange it seemed like fiction. He wanted this boy. He wanted him more than anything._

_Sirius didn't hesitate in taking Severus into his arms again. He pushed his lips forcefully upon Severus', making it hard to breathe. His hands moved down Severus' back to his ass, where he stroked it roughly through Severus' robes. Oh yes, this was good. Really good._

_The kissing continued both their tongues rolling around with each other, trying to fight for dominance. Severus opened his eyes only for a second. Yes, he was sure, that was a boy's face. 'O.k.', he told himself, 'I want this and that makes it o.k. This makes it right.' Sirius now had Severus' pants undone and his hand pushed through the other boy's fly. He felt hastily for the hard shaft trapped under all the clothing. Severus let out a soft moan through their locked lips as Sirius hand darted quickly around, caressing every inch of skin he could grasp._

_Sirius finally broke his lips away and he took one last hard look at Severus. He smiled, and laughed that same bark-like laugh as before. Sirius then lowered himself to his knees and began to kiss the spot his hand had left with soft little kisses, no more than teasing pecks. Severus was breathing heavy. He had never in his life been in such a situation before, and such an extreme sexual desire burst from him. He was ready for what was coming. He was at the brink of letting go._

_Sirius wasted no time in putting his mouth where it belonged. Severus couldn't help but to bite his knuckles as the other boy lips surrounded his cock. The sucking began, those lovely lips sliding up and down his shaft. Severus couldn't breathe. Those feelings brought life to something Severus was afraid would never awaken._

Oh it was good too, Severus thought to himself. Better than anyone else he could remember.

_Severus was so close to the edge that it only took a little while before he gave in to Sirius' magical lips. His second orgasm of the night was hotter and more euphoric than anything Severus had ever experienced. His mind clouded and all thought vanished. He tilted his head back toward the stars, staring dreamily at the night sky._

_Sirius raised himself off his knees but as his lips darted again for Severus', Severus backed away. His eyes drifted off the sky back to his new lover, his first lover. Then something happened, the lust was gone. The truth hit Severus like a smack in the face. And that feeling…what was it? It was a pain in his chest and he hated it. How could he have given himself so freely to a stranger, Severus thought, did his pride mean nothing?_

_"Don't talk to me ever again," Severus whispered, his voice shaky. "Don't touch me ever again." Severus could hardly believe the words coming from his mouth, he felt like he was being possessed, but maybe these words were best. Sirius stared dumbfounded, pain etched across his beautiful face._

_"I thought you wanted it," said Sirius, his voice breaking; his face was so intensely saddened. He looked on the verge of tears._

_"I didn't. I thought I did, but I didn't." Severus adjusted his robes and zipped up his fly. He gave one last look at this Sirius boy, this boy who had forced Severus to feel something, something real that wasn't hatred. He began to walk back towards the school away from Sirius, a shameful statue. When he reached the doors, he took one last, long, deep breath, soaking up the events of the night, before exhaling them back out into the world._

Severus reached out pulled his knees into his chest. Under this birch tree, between these two roots, Severus did something he hadn't done in a long time.

"I'm sorry Sirius, I'm so sorry," Severus whispered into the empty night.


End file.
